Oh my god, I have not written for almost 2.5 years. Mind blowing.
At the point when I am writing this blog entry, I believe that I am definitely at the lowest point of my life. Yes, I had written a few dark confessions before, but my previous few posts had been quite positive. This is 3 years accumulated of depression, anxiety, hatred. I am finding myself no option but to pen it down here in this very blog, I have almost lost control.
Okay, I am just going to write the gist of what happened over 2-3 years. During May 2022, I blindly accepted a seemingly harmless offer from my colleague: to join the Christian family. At that time, I thought, what harm was it to just be curious and learn about Christianity? And to do some volunteering? Surely it is good for my character development? But gradually, I fell into this dark hole, being more anxious as ever, worrying about how I am able to contribute openly. Let's not hide the fact that I am a very introverted guy and it is not my human nature to act extroverted and contribute, moreover to practise evangelism. I am very frustrated that I cannot escape from this fatal mistake so conveniently, often I just have to play along. (Gosh, writing this makes my blood boil, but I may be relieved from my bottled-up anger).
Another major issue is my work. Like I want to quit "real bad", but I can't, because back in my mind, I am thinking about the salary. Money is important, and my genuine concern is that I cannot find an ideal job and hence I will run out of money. Over time, I am going to "keep it a buck", I have been spending quite a lot on Gacha games. For real I need passive income to sustain my spending, and the easiest way out is to continue my job, but is so mentally taxing to endure the issues that come with work. I have COMPLETELY lost the motivation to work..
Why am I so pessimistic, you may ask? Well, I had attended one or two online courses, last year, and it is a dagger to my heart that I did not pass. Why waste 3 months of studying for nothing? I truly believe that I lost the ability to develop and improve my knowledge, it is now just a matter of enduring with life and to maintain the knowledge and skills that I have.
Finally, I know this will be an absolute shock to the viewers and also special mention to my good freind who knew me otherwise, but after being absent from the blog scene from so long, I thought it is the right moment to provide some updates of my life.
Despite all this, I am considering deleting this post, once I find my mojo. I really hope it comes soon, because I am not so much an advocate of negatively and pessimism. What done has to be done, I don't really have any regrets writing this... By the way, I am posting my blog entry during my work hours lol.
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